October’s Best…A Definitive List

Holy hell, I wake up this morning, walk outside, and unbeknownst to me, I had traveled to the North Pole in my sleep. Whatever, it’s not snowing so I can’t really be that upset. I just wish I could break out the old speedo one last time for a dip in the Lake Huron. Outside of May, June, July, August, September, November, December, March, April, and May, October is arguably the best month of the year. I’ve compiled a list of the best things October has to offer. So without wasting anymore time, let’s get it crackin’.

5 – Carving Pumpkins

Everyone who grew up outside of Baghdad has a memory of carving pumpkins as a child. You were sitting in your kitchen or garage, you drew some spooky cat or wacky face on a pumpkin, and let your parents cut it out (because you were and still are a liability with sharp objects). When you were done, you’d set it out on your porch, where it would sit until your parents had to clean up for Thanksgiving dinner. I have a secret, my friends: CARVING PUMPKINS IS 10X BETTER AS AN “ADULT”. You can have wacky carving parties with your friends (or by yourself) and get super drunk while you carve some abomination that looked way better when you saw it on pintrest. Then you’ll drunkenly put a candle inside, pass out after a few more alcohol filled pumpkin spiced beverages, and wake up to your apartment on fire. It’s a certified blast!


4 – Seasonal Beverages

Speaking of Pumpkin Spiced shit, nothing beats a nice cup of cider (hot or cold) in October. Whether you’re at work, home, or living in a van down by the river, a nice cup of cider can cure anything that ails you. If you’re not into the cider, or you’re a basic bitch, Pumpkin Spiced Lattes are available at every single place you can buy drinks for $50 an ounce. So get your favorite Uggs, toss on your scarf, and get your ass to Starbucks and enjoy that shit while it lasts (or get it anytime after June now probably). Another great thing about these drinks are they mix pretty well with alcohol. Dump a splash of cider into your rum and you’re on a crash course for a good time. Here’s a little concoction that I like to make on brisk Saturday afternoons in October:

Mike’s October Juice

1 part cider

1 part rum

1 part pumpkin spice latte

(disclaimer: I have no idea how to measure things)

Pick up a gallon jug of cider. Dump out 3/4 of it, it’s just wasting space. Pour the pumpkin spice latte into the jug until it is halfway full. Fill the rest of the jug with rum. Shake the jug to mix the ingredients. Enjoy your first class ticket to blackout city.

3 – Tailgates

I know this is more like a September – November thing, but October is prime time for tailgating. It’s not too hot, and it’s not too cold. You don’t really need a jacket because your liquor sweater will keep you plenty warm. Homecomings tend to be in October, and that kicks the tailgates into overdrive. I’m talking about ripping the fucking knob off and butt chugging mixies at the crack of dawn. So grab yourself a jug of Mike’s October Juice and meet me at the nearest sporting event. I’ll have a butt funnel waiting for you.


2 – Hocus Pocus

This is pretty self explanatory. This movie has been an October staple since 1993. People go so nuts for this movie they start airing it in August.  If I ever meet someone who says they don’t like Hocus Pocus, I assume they are lying, blind, a terrorist, or a new born baby (like literally born seconds before). Hocus Pocus alone could make this list, but The Hocus Pocus Drinking Game is what has it sitting at #2. Nothing better than throwing this flick on and enjoying it while slamming a few ice cold sodas.


1 – Halloween

Hands down the best holiday to celebrate as an adult. Normally, dressing up like an imaginary character is frowned upon, but not on Halloween. It’s the only day where you can walk around the streets wrapped in toilet paper and not be viewed as a psychopath. Pairing Halloween with a couple vodka vodkas at the watering hole or your house party is the pinnacle of October living.

Let’s talk about costumes. I’m all in favor of completely offensive costumes. I’m talking Caitlyn Jenner walking around with a fake penis in a plastic bag type stuff. We all know that girl who is going to dress up like a cat or the slutty version of whatever Disney movie is relevant.  Typically, I look for costumes that provide the most functionality for my drunk self. I look for things like mobility, ability to use the restroom, and the amount of pockets to store fun things (my wallet, road sodas, flasks, etc). For example, Father McFeely, a Mexican, or Ernie…all easy costumes that allow you to wear real clothes underneath. Whatever you end up going with, just make sure to have fun, and drink enough alcohol to forget how you ended up naked face down in the kitchen.

Just a friendly reminder, just because you’re wearing a Spiderman costume doesn’t mean should be jumping from rooftop to rooftop…that’s the liquor taking.


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