Went to Grand Rapids today to watch my sister graduate from her Masters program (shout out to her for that) and I realized something…kids are wayyyyy too excited to be graduating from college. Like not the kids (adults) in Masters and PhD programs, but the kids getting their bachelor degrees. Like do you people have any idea what the real world is like? I do, it’s awful. In my dream world, I would be in the Spring Quarter of undergrad every day. Just constantly reliving band class, acting class, and stage craft. What a hilarious life. I feel so bad for the people who had real classes before graduation.

These are the best years of your life, and these kids are acting like they’re so happy to leave and finally get out in the real world. Let me tell you something, it’s all smoke and mirrors. Yeah you have some extra income, but you’re going to be giving a nice portion of that to Uncle Sam and good old Sallie Mae…she’s a whore by the way. Wish the government would at least take me to breakfast after they fuck me.

College is undoubtedly the best time of your life. Anyone who says otherwise is trying too hard to act like they’re killing it in the real world. I’d give my baby toe to go back and get super weird at 832 Walnut again or have porch hot tub parties on Davis. Absolutely phenomenal. Nothing beats hanging out with your best friends and a crack dealer on the weekends.

In short, if anyone is reading this and happens to be in college, stay as long as you can. Get every possible degree you can. Don’t make the mistake that I did. Just hang out and delay those student loan payments until Bernie gets elected and they disappear (lol jk that is as real as my chances of running back Spring Break 2012).